this blog is Officially Inactive! at least for the indefinite future. i’m checking in now because i have crucial information lol which is:
i am no longer identified as a transgender individual. i have realized i am a lesbian woman and that transitioning was an unhealthy but necessary coping mechanism for me in my journey to self-acceptance, love, and healing.
i made the decision nearly 2 years ago to stop my process of transitioning which involved the use of hormonal replacement therapy, because i had been on T for a year and a half and i was feeling no better about myself, my life, my identity, my place in the world, or my existence. i did like many of the changes that came to my body from the testosterone, but that wasn’t enough for me: the obsessive thought spirals and dysphoric patterns of belief that i had internalized over my life were only getting more intense and less bearable, despite what i had wanted to believe and had proclaimed publicly, which was 1. that i was trans and 2. that transition was the most effective treatment for dysphoric thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
i was suffering with drug addiction, chronic dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization, as well as depression, anxiety, ptsd, adhd, and undiagnosed autism. on top of this, i had been self-harming and experienced disordered eating since i was 10 years old. i was exposed to pornography as a child and experienced sexual assault at a young age. at the point that i decided to stop taking testosterone, i had to come to a place of choosing to be honest enough with myself that i could really genuinely give myself my best shot at life. i had previously believed that my trans identity and transitioning was the key that would solve everything for me- though i would not have admitted that i believed that, even to myself- until i simply could not continue to run away from the truth.
i am a homosexual woman with an androgynous, masculine self-expression. i do not identify with any “gender”, and i also do not identify with the “lack of” a “gender”, as ive come to understand that attachment to a gender identity, binary or not, was keeping me from living a truly embodied life. the reality was that acknowledgment and acceptance of my true sexual orientation and true self expression, both of which i had subconsciously repressed as a coping mechanism for trauma, homophobia, and misogyny, were the real keys to healing that i had been seeking through transition.
this journey has not been easy- it has been painful, disorienting, terrifying, traumatizing- it has not always been kind. it has also been crucial to my self-love and acceptance. i needed to truly believe that i was not a woman, i needed to make the choice to transition, i needed to experience angered defensiveness about my choices and beliefs. i needed to believe that trans identity was my truth in order to see that it was not. i would not have come home to my body and my genuine truth had i not. and, i needed to realize that transitioning and disidentifying from being female and a woman was not the truth for me.
i am proud of myself and my life has improved at an amazing rate since i came back to my body and chose to stop believing that i was not the girl i had been born as. i am and always have been, even when everything around me was indicating to me that i could not be, even when a part of me needed to deny that and run away from myself to cope with how painful it felt to be me in this world. i feel awake and alive in a way i never had before in my life. i discovered that there is hope and joy in me and in being true to myself, even though i had never believed it could exist for someone like me.
i am a woman, i am a lesbian, and i am living in THIS body, my body, and i am not running away any more. once i came to that (incredibly difficult) truth, true healing began. i am grateful for every version of myself that i have been, including the ones who believed i was not me: they all led me here. and i am happier and healthier than i believed was humanly possible, especially for a woman like me.
